After the proposing process, both sets of parents exchanged family credentials as tokens of intention. Then, after extensive bargaining, the two families would arrive at the amount of money and goods that would make up the gift to the girl’s family. After presenting engagement tokens, the go-between would ask the bride’s family to choose among several auspicious wedding dates suggested by the boy’s family and also set a date for presenting betrothal gifts.
The boy’s family presented betrothal gifts of money and significant items such as tea, “Dragon (male) and Phoenix (female)” bridal cakes, pairs of male and female poultry, sweetmeats and sugar, wine and tobacco, accompanied by an itemized statement of these gifts. Tea was such a primary part of these gifts in some areas that they were known collectively as cha-li, that is, “tea presents.” The girl’s family reciprocated with gifts of food and clothing.
It was customary for the girl’s family to distribute the bridal cakes they received from the boy’s family to friends and relatives as a form of announcement and invitation to the wedding feast. The number of cakes given to each was established according to a rigid etiquette, on the basis of seniority and degree of intimacy. Those who received the bridal cakes were expected to present congratulatory gifts to the girl’s parents.
The boy’s family’s gifts acknowledged the parents’ efforts in raising the girl, and by accepting the gifts, the girl’s family pledged her to the boy’s. It is interesting to note that the bride was given to the family rather than the groom alone. Although the bride and groom probably had not met yet, betrothal was considered binding unless both families agreed to annul the contract.
Several days after the presentation of the betrothal gifts, the girl’s family sent porters with an inventoried dowry to the boy’s house. The dowry consisted of practical items, including a chamber pot, filled for the occasion with fruit and strings of coins. This procession gave the girl’s family the opportunity to display both their social status and their love for their daughter, and wealthy parents often included serving girls to attend their daughter in her new home.
Betrothals generally lasted for a year or two, although child betrothals would last until the children had grown to marriageable age.